Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
time to smoke my breakfast
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
