She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
