My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
