I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
