The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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