There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
