I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
