If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
