I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
After last night, I could never be a politician.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
