we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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