This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
