I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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