sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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