I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
