Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
