life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
