The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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