It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
