I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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