so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
