you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
