Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
