she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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