Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It's rum buckets o'clock
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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