chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
