My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
