I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
