My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You brought string cheese to the strip club
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
