Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
