Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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