I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
This house was built for laser tag.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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