dude i'm inner monologue high
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
