Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
