Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
