I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
