i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
