You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
