I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
