Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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