i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
