This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
