Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
