can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
