she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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