Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
