God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
