Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
