Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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