Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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