My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Randomize
